Mythical Creatures Like Big Butts
by FullmetalVampire123
Summary: This is the story of Seth Clearwater, and how he manages to get one song stuck in everyone's heads. Canon. OOC. Takes place during Eclipse. T for language. Oneshot


**Haha. This idea came into my head when I got the very same song stuck in it. I thought about how one werewolf could get the entire pack to have the same song stuck in their heads. The lyrics were changed around a bit to fit the Cullens, and I don't mean to offend anyone with a… large rear end…**

**Disclaimer: Twilight is not mine, nor is Sir Mix-A-Lot's "I Like Big Butts."**

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* * *

**Seth Clearwater sat in his fishing boat with his boom box.

"_I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brothers can't deny! When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get SPRUNG!"_

He nodded his head to the music. A wolf howled in the distance. Seth leaped out of the boat and phased into a wolf.

_Hey guys!_

_Oh, boy, Seth…_

_Seth, patrol the Cullen border for me, okay?_

_Sure thing, Sam!_

Seth ran off in the direction of the Cullen abode. Seth started singing in his head without thinking.

_I'm tired of magazines, sayin' flat butts are the thing!_

_OH GOD SETH, MAKE IT STOP!_

_PLEASE HAVE MERCY!_

_AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!_

_What, guys?_

_That song… it's stuck… IN. MY. HEAD!_

_Yeah, it's stuck in mine too, Embry. That's why I'm singing it._

_Seth, I think you've got it stuck in ALL our heads._

_Sorry…_

He ran faster and soon he was sitting on the Cullens' back porch. He phased and put some clothes on, then walked inside. He was still singing in his head.

Edward looked up from his book.

"What have you been listening to, Seth?"

"Hmm? Oh, that. Sir Mix-A-Lot's 'I Like Big Butts.'"

"It's extremely annoying."

"Oh. Sorry. It's stuck in my head…"

"It's okay. But now it's stuck in mine too."

"Haha…"

Sam howled in the distance.

"Whoops, gotta go!"

He waved and ran off into the woods to phase.

**EPOV**

"I like big butts and I cannot lie. You other brothers can't deny…"

I was singing under my breath, walking slowly down the hall. As I passed Jasper's room, I heard him start humming the same tune. Oh, for the love of all things holy, what have I done!?

**JPOV**

_When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get SPRUNG!_ _Wanna pull up tough, cause you notice that butt is stuffed! Deep in the jeans she's wearing I'm hooked and I can't stop staring!_

Aw, man, screw you Edward! CURSE YOU FOR GETTING THIS SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD!

My love Alice skipped into the room and made her way to the oversized closet.

"What are you listening to, Jazzy?"

She had obviously heard the vibration of music from my mp3 player.

"Nothin. I just got a song stuck in my head."

"Oh."

She quickly changed clothes, and walked out of the room.

**APOV**

I swear to Carlisle, that song is going to get stuck in everyone's heads, and there's nothing I can do about it! Damn my stupid vampire memory and the ability to remember the lyrics to every song I hear! GRAAAAHHHH!

_I've seen them dancin', to hell with romancin'! She's sweat, wet, got it goin' like a turbo Vette!_

SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THIS TORTURE!

I found myself in the living room, and heard Emmett singing the same song at full volume. He was already infected! AND HE WAS SPREADING IT TO EVERYONE IN THE HOUSE!

"Emmett! STOP!"

I jumped on him, but it was too late. I could already hear Rosalie and Carlisle humming upstairs. Bella was singing under her breath, and Esme was doing the same thing in the kitchen.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**The Next Day…**

**Sam POV**

Seth Clearwater was going to die. He was going to die a long and painful death. Here I was, in my own house, singing a song I'd only heard a few times before.

"_I like 'em round, and big! And when I'm throwin' a gig, I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal!_"

Okay, I can't take it anymore! I ran out of the house, phased, and howled. Several other minds joined my own, but Seth was not one of them. Good.

_This has GOT to stop. Today!_

_I know! I'm starting to hate this song!_

_Where is he, anyways?_

_Last time I checked, he was leaving the house to return a jacket to Edward. And Edward's at school, so Seth's probably at Forks High._

_Thank you, Leah._

_Welcome, Meesta Alpha._

We ran swiftly and silently to the woods outside Forks High.

_Where is he?_

_Obviously, not here yet._

_He took his bike, you know._

_Oh._

Then I heard the soft humming of the chorus of "I Like Big Butts." It wasn't any of my pack… THE CULLENS! HE HAD SPREAD THIS HORROR TO THE CULLENS!

We phased and approached them.

**EPOV**

Bella and my family were hanging out in the parking lot with Mike, Angela, Jessica, Lauren, Tyler, and Ben in Tyler's van. Yes. The same van that had almost killed Bella. The very same. And now she was sitting _inside _the demon van, sipping Pepsi and wolfing down licorice, the favored food of the idiot humans of Forks. She had a small breakfast.

Speaking of wolves, here they come now.

"HEY BLOO-"

Sam shoved a hand over Jake's mouth before he could finish his insult. The _entire _pack was here. Well, except for Seth. And I really needed my jacket back…

They approached us.

"Has Seth been in your house?"

"Yeah. Yesterday."

"Damn… He was singing 'I Like Big Butts,' right?"

"Yes. And my entire family has been 'infected' as Alice calls it."

"IT'S TRUE!" she shouted from the inside of the van. Of course, it sounded more like "ITHS FRU!" because Bella had filled Alice's mouth with licorice. Nasty stuff… I shuddered.

"We have to stop the nonsense! Seth's drivin' me nuts!"

"Speak of the puppy and the puppy shall come."

I pointed to the entrance to the parking lot, where Seth had just pedaled in on his bike.

"Hey, Ed-WARD!"

He waved my jacket in the air. Oh, Seth, you have the worst timing ever.

"SETH CLEARWATER!" Sam shouted, in a very Alpha-like manner.

"Yes…?"

"YOU WILL DIE FOR YOUR SINS!"

Seth dropped to his knees.

"FORGIVE ME FATHER FOR I HAVE SINNED!"

He looked around.

"Er… what's my sin?"

Sam slapped his forehead.

"My dear, dear Seth. You have caused great pain for us, and the Cullens. You and your stupid 'I Like Big Butts' have destroyed us all. FOR THAT YOU MUST DIE!"

Suddenly, Bella stepped in between Seth and Sam.

"Woah, woah, woah!"

She looked at them both.

"I don't want any violence. I am Bella. I am Switzerland. I am a Virgo."

Jacob laughed at some inside joke. I tried to see what it was, but he wasn't thinking about it anymore.

"Now, we all know that the best way to get this song out of our heads is to sing it, and sing it right."

"Correct, love."

"So, when? Now?"

Embry almost burst into song, but Paul punched him in the face.

"DAYUM MAN, WHAT THE HELL!?"

"Shut up, Embryo."

"I didn't hear that."

"Whatever."

Alice pulled all of us over to my Volvo.

"Okay, the future just disappeared at lunch. Obviously we're gonna do it then."

Jasper sighed in relief. He was obviously tired of 'big butts.'

"Rightyo! I'll go home and get my boom box. I have the karaoke version on tape!"

"Tape? That is SO old."

"I'm a nineties child, Quil."

"So am I, but you don't see me carrying around one of those huge boom boxes with a whole bag of old tapes."

I grinned. Werewolves could be extremely funny sometimes.

"So, we'll see you at lunch."

**Fast Forward to Lunch…**

So, here we were. Emmett and Seth were going to do the lead singing, while the rest of us were going to be backup dancers and singers.

Oh joy.

Emmett was so anxious, Jasper was about to light himself on fire. I could tell because he kept thinking about going over and asking Jack Freeland if he could have his cigarette lighter. Jack was the only kid in school who was public about his smoking, though I knew plenty of other kids were in on it too. Alice obviously saw Jasper's future, and put a calming hand on his shoulder.

Oh joy.

Suddenly, I could smell the awful stench of werewolves in the air. It got closer, and closer, and closer until…

_**BAM!**_

The glass door to the cafeteria was flung open with such force that it shattered when it connected with the wall. There stood Sam Uley and his pack of dark-skinned wolves.

"Hit it, Sethikins!"

When Seth hit play, no music came bursting out. It was time for Embry to step up for his only part.

He pointed to Rosalie, and started talking to his invisible friend in an extremely gay voice.

"Oh my god. Leah, look at her butt. It's sooooo big. She looks like one of those Cullen guys girlfriends. Who understands those guys? They only talk to her because she looks like a total prostitute. I mean her butt… It's just so big! I can't believe it's so round… It's just… out there! I mean, it's gross. Look, she's just so…pale!"

From somewhere in the back Paul screamed "AND SHE STINKS TOO!" Rosalie scowled at him.

The music began to play, and Emmett started dancing. And, god help us, singing.

**A/N: Just so y'all don't get all confused, I'm going put people's names in front of what they're singing. Little bits of Edward's POV will still be in there though.**

Emmett _"I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brothers can't deny, that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung!"_

Seth _"Wanna pull up tough, cuz you notice that butt was stuffed! Deep in the jeans she's wearing, I'm hooked and I can't stop staring!"_

Emmett _"Oh, BABY I wanna get with ya, and take your picture!"_

Seth _"My homeboys tried to warn me-"_

Emmett _"But that butt you got-"_

Jasper _"Make Me so horney!"_

The entire cafeteria began laughing, mentally and physically, while Jasper just smiled through it all.

Emmett _"Ooh, rump of smooth skin, you say you wanna get in my Benz? Well use me, use me cuz you ain't that average groupy!"_

Jacob _"I've seen them dancin'!"_

Quil _"To hell with romancin'!"_

Emmett _"She's Sweat, Wet, got it goin like a turbo Vette!"_

Sam _"I'm tired of magazines, saying flat butts are the thing! Take the average Quileute man and ask him that, she gotta pack much back!"_

Emmett _"So Fellas!"_

All Guys _"Yeah?"_

Seth _"Fellas!"_

All Guys _"Yeah?"_

Emmett _"Has your girlfriend got the butt?"_

All Guys _"Hell yeah!"_

Emmett _"Well shake it!"_

Seth _"Shake it!"_

Emmett _"Shake it!"_

Seth _"Shake it!"_

Emmett and Seth _"Shake that healthy butt! Baby got back!"_

Embry _*LA face with Oakland booty!*  
_  
Sam _"I like'em round and big, and when I'm throwin a gig-"_

Paul _"I just can't help myself!"_

Jacob _"I'm actin like an animal! Now here's my scandal!"_

Emmett _"I wanna get you home, and UH! Double up UH! UH! I ain't talkin bout playboy, cause silicone parts were made for toys!"_

Seth _"I wannem real thick and juicy, so find that juicy double!"_

Emmett _"Mcarthy's in trouble, beggin for a piece of that bubble!"_

Jacob _"So I'm lookin' at rock videos, knockin these bimbos walkin like hoes!"_

He pointed to Alice, and then attempted to imitate the way she walked. He failed miserably.

Sam _"You can have them bimbos, I'll keep my women like Flo Jo!"_

Emmett _"A word to the thick soul sistas, I wanna get with ya, I won't cus or hit ya! But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna -- Til the break of dawn! Baby Got it goin on! A lot of pimps won't like this song, cuz them punks lie to hit it and quit it, but I'd rather stay and play!"_

Seth _"Cuz I'm long, and I'm strong-"_

Emmett and Seth _"And I'm down to get the friction on!"_

Emmett _"So ladies!"_

All Girls _"Yeah?  
_

Seth _"Ladies!"_

All Girls _"Yeah?"_

_  
_Emmett _"Do you wanna roll in my Mercedes?"_

All Girls _"Yeah!"_

Seth _"Then turn around-"_

_  
_Emmett _"Stick it out-"_

_  
_Emmett and Seth _"Even white boys got to shout! Baby got back!"  
_  
Embry _*LA face with the Oakland booty.*_

They switched from singing to talking.

Emmett "Yeah baby. When it comes to females-"

Seth "Imprinting ain't got nothin to do with my selection!"

Emmett "36-24-36?"

Emmett and Seth "Only if she's 5'3"!"

Back to singing.

Emmett _"So your girlfriend throws a Honda, playin workout tapes by Fonda."_

Seth _"But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda!"_

All Guys _"My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun!"_

Emmett _"You can do side bends or sit-ups-"_

Seth _"But please don't lose that butt!"_

Jasper _"Some brothers wanna play that hard role, and tell you that the butt ain't gold-"_

Seth _"So they toss it, and leave it-"_

Emmett and Seth _"And I pull up quick to retrieve it!"_

Seth _"So Cosmo says you're fat-"_

Emmett _"Well I ain't down with that!"_

Seth _"Cuz your waste is small and your curves are kickin, and I'm thinkin bout stickin!"_

Jacob _"To the beanpole dames in the magazines, you ain't it miss thing!"_

He pointed to Alice, and she scowled back at him.

Quil _"Give me a sista I can't resist her!"_

Embry _"Red beans and rice did miss her!"_

My turn. Oh boy.

Edward _"Some knucklehead tried to diss, cause his girls were on my list!"_

I pointed to Mike Newton.

Edward _"He had game but he chose to hit 'em, and pulled up quick to get with 'em!"_

Emmett _"So ladies if the butt is round-"_

Seth _"And you wanna triple X throw down!"_

Emmett and Seth _"Dial 1-900-MYTHICAL and kick them nasty thoughts! Baby got back! Baby got back!"_

Everyone _"Little in the middle but she got much back! Little in the middle but she got much back! Little in the middle but she got much back! Little in the middle but she got much back!"_

We all struck a pose for the ending. I felt no need to keep singing that ridiculous song. We looked at each other and grinned.

"IT WORKED!"

We all high-fived and the wolves left for La Push.

"Thank you for your help, Cullens."

He looked back at Seth.

"I guess since you did this, there is no need for punishment."

Seth mouthed a silent "YES!" and ran to freedom. Or his fishing boat. Whatever.

I walked Bella to class, and we had a very pleasant day.

**Later…**

Seth Clearwater sat in his fishing boat, desperately trying to catch something. His boom box blasted beside him.

"_I'm on a boat! (I'm on a boat!) I'm on a boat! (I'm on a boat!) Everybody look at me 'cause I'm sailing on a boat! (sailing on a boat!) I'm on a boat! (I'm on a boat!) I'm on a boat! Take a good hard look at the mother**king boat! (boat, yeah!)"_

He sang along with the music. A wolf howled in the distance. Seth leaped out of the boat and phased…

Five minutes later, six pained howls erupted from the forests of La Push.

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**Haha. You gotta love this. So, review please!**


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